The Day I Lost My Mom

It has been 3 years but I still feel like it was just yesterday when my Mom passed away. I feel really sad when I talk about her death but I am very proud to have her as my Mom. This will be a long post. This will be all about her and my life after she passed away.

My Mom was a single parent and a retired elementary teacher. Her name is Laila. She was a teacher in different public (government) elementary schools for almost 40 years. She liked children and I never saw her giving up on her teaching career. That's how much she loves teaching. It was her passion. Her former students like her very much. They would always message her on Facebook and give her stuff. She was very kind-hearted, patient, caring and loving to everyone. It is very rare for her to get mad. She gave birth to me when she was 47 years old. Since it was just the two of us, I grew up being a shadow of my Mom. I was always with her. As a mother, she gives everything to that's why most people labeled me as a spoiled brat but she didn't mind them. She always protects me and showers me with love. We always go out on a date and we always celebrate our birthday together. We didn't have a perfect relationship but I treat her as my best friend too. She managed to send me to DLSHSI in college even she was a single parent and I am very thankful for that She was also the breadwinner of her family. We live with her sisters. She was very hardworking. She is not selfish and she always helps other people.

Ever since she was a kid, there are times that she would just fell on the ground. Her knees are like twisted but it comes back to normal. I know that feeling because I think I inherited that. My cousins also experience it. As of now, we don't know what disease is that. It comes back to the normal after a few days though. She had a patellofemoral replacement (knee cap replacement) last July or early August 2013 because she wanted to be 'normal' on my graduation day. She always thinks of me.

It was in late October 2013 when she was diagnosed with cancer. Everything happened so fast. On the first week after her operation, we noticed a sudden change in her weight. She lost pounds but her tummy is still the same. It was not proportional to her weight loss. We all taught that it was just part of her recovery. She got therapy sessions at home and we all taught she was fine. After a few weeks, she started complaining that she can't eat well so we rushed her to the hospital. She went through laboratory tests, ultrasound, x-ray, and other tests. The doctors found something on her ultrasound and they requested her for CT scan with contrast. I guess the doctors already suspected something since they requested the procedure with contrast. I was just a third-year Radiologic Technology student back then. As I saw the results of the CT scan, I can see that there were cysts and I know it is not just an ordinary disease. My family had no idea because the doctor talked to me first since he knew I can understand him a bit. My world stopped for a bit and I literally didn't know what to do. I started to convince myself that it was all gonna be okay and that we had to fight. I asked her if I should just stop schooling and just focus on her but she didn't agree on that.

We brought her to different hospitals and different doctors. They have the same diagnosis. She had cancer, stage 4, adenocarcinoma. She was advised of a nuclear medicine procedure but my cousins opposed on that. They say she might not be able to do it and the diagnosis is just the same. The cancer cells were already all over her body. We wanted to fight. I know she wanted to fight. I wanted to do everything for her, but what can I do? I was just 19 years old and I was young and naive. If only I already had a job and I was earning money back then, I would definitely do everything for her. 

On her last week, she was confined to bed and she can't talk anymore. It really broke my heart to see her like that. Some of my relatives always visit her in the evening. Slowly, I was preparing myself for the worst. It was March 13, 2013, I kissed her before I went to school. I even told her to wait for me because it was like she's slowly giving up. I want to be beside her before she passes away. Before I went home that night, I had to go run errands for our thesis. Unfortunately, I was not on time. And that night, I faced my biggest fear. She passed away just a few minutes before I got home. That was the most heartbreaking moment in my life. I can still remember the pain. I think it won't just go away easily. It will forever in my heart,

I didn't know where to start. I didn't know how to live without her. I was just 19 years old. It was really hard at first but of course, I had to continue my last year in college. I am really thankful to my Mom. She saved enough money for my college. She still thinks of me in the end. She was not just a Mom to me. She was my best friend, my dad, my sister. She was actually my everything. :'(

After she passed away, my life has been different. I graduated college on time but I failed the board exam twice. There were some people who promised to help me when my Mom passed away. But guess what? Some of those people (even my relatives) are the ones who are judging me now and I didn't feel like they really helped me in any way. People do change but it's fine. There are some people who help me and supports me just like how they treat my Mom. I guess they are my Mom's true friends. I learned so many things after she passed away and I know she raised me well. Before she left, she wanted me to forgive my Dad and I did. We are now okay with each other and we even go out sometimes. It feels good to have a Dad, somehow. But still, I can't depend on anyone.

It took me 3 nights to finish this post. It took me awhile because my feelings got heavy every time but I know I need to be open about it. I take this post as a way of moving on. I am very vocal on how much I miss her and love her but I haven't told anyone how I really feel about her death. It was really hard on my part. So for everyone who still has their Mom/parents, please be good to them and love them as much as they love you. Our parents are the only ones who will love us unconditionally.

You are the best. I love you so much, Mom. You are forever in my heart. ♥